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The Flying Spaghetti Monster
(with Special Guest Stars: Pirates) |
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by Colin Edmund Grant
I was raised a Catholic in Greater Boston, but was never molested by a priest. I have gay friends who are bitter to this day at the inaction and non-pederasty of certain priests. There is no satisfying some people. Anyway, having been raised a Catholic, I of course lost my faith at an early age (two). Much of my life has been a search for spirituality, for truth. I tried many of the usual Christian sects to no avail. I tried Buddhism, Hinduism, Confucianism, Shintoism, Mohammedanism, Judaism – they lacked oomph. I tried Universal Unitarianism, Consaptuism (Unconscionable and Conscionable), Sikhism, Taoism, Paganism, Bahai'ism, Scientology, Agnotstic Coincidentalism (Iridescent and Confabulated), Paganism, Zoroastrianism (which I mistakenly thought was based on the teachings of Zoro), and Barryism (which is based on the teachings of a guy named Barry). No go. However, now I have found the Truth. In my recent rant about odd-sounding words (http://www.cupsuptic.org/Rants/bauction.php), I mentioned in passing the phenomenon of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The response has been overwhelming: I got an email. Then, I saw that the Flying Spaghetti Monster sensation had made the big time: an entry in Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster). I no longer must feel ashamed. I can stand proudly and proclaim loudly: Yes, I am a PASTAFARIAN!! As such, I feel compelled to share more about my religion, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSMism). FSMism has been around for some period of time. It first became widely known only this year (it's still 2005, right?) when young whippersnapper Bobby Henderson wrote to the Kansas School Board, advising them that if they were going to require that Intelligent Design be taught as a scientific theory, FSMism should be given equal weight. His argument is pretty strong – FSMism is certainly as scientific, and as widely accepted, as Intelligent Design.(1) Young Bobby also explained that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s," and made the case in compelling statistical fashion. (2) In this way, Pirates have become an important symbol to us Pastafarians. Oddly enough, there is a dearth of FSM Pirate art. However, this image has appeared in numerous places.
 (3) Which reminds me: September 19 is Talk Like a Pirate Day! (http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html) This is so stupid that I am paralyzed with indifference. Needless to say, you won't want to be calling me on the 19th. Arrrrrrrg, Matey. Now, to get back to the main theme of our essay (!), I do not write to argue the validity of science or intelligent design or FSMism. I write to show you some pictures. In the beginning – hohohoho – Young Bobby, wishing to make a point that even the Kansas School Board could comprehend, included with his letter this picture of "Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures."
 (4) This image haunted me. Until recently, I had been using this as my Windows background:
 But I needed to see Him, to be reminded of Him. So, working from Bobby's image, using Paint Shop Pro, I created this:
 But He did not work well as a background. I tried this:
 I was satisfied. I could see Him – HIM!! And yet it was not enough. I sought more, like a blind man at the symphony, a deaf man at a salad bar, a short man eating porridge, a crippled man with a stick shift. I found this:
 (5) And of course, the rich musical version of this image is beyond description: http://wwfsmd.ytmnd.com The religious works of Bach pale by comparison. He didn't have MIDI, the poor schmuck. One thing led to another, and to Wikipedia, and finally – dare I say it aloud – yes – GOOGLE!
 (6)I discovered this image:
 (7) And learned that it was based on the philosophical problem that has become known simply as, "WWFSMD?" (What Would the Flying Spaghetti Monster Do?):
 (8) The ethical dilemmas of my life have thus been solved. All questions are answered via WWFSMD – the answers are clear as the finest diaphanous idée fixe. I learned there is a Pastafarian game. I have never been a gamer. I have always held gamers in low esteem, and in high suspicion. I wondered how people could spend their lives in such meaningless endeavors. What a fool, such a fool! I have seen the light.
 (9) Filled with His love, I discovered this:
 (10)But it seemed, well, wrong. I looked more closely, and realized not only that this image placed the Holy One in a subordinate position to a mere human (even if the guy is the son of God), but that the Holy One was merely penciled in! Some people have no morality. I dismissed the image. Next, I ran across this:
 (11) This was less contrived, but still somehow inaccurate. I mean, how many paintings have two deities? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Then I found the Truth:
 (12) This image was clearly The Truth. Not only was the Flying Spaghetti Monster prominent, front and center, there was no image of competing deities. And there was a pirate.
 (13) Let us pray. (Silence.) This is but a small selection of FSM-Art found via Google. There are many, many more such pictures to be found on the web. The Kansas Museum of Science image, among other images, really cracked me up. May you too be touched by His noodly appendage. * * * * * I am feeling like penne for supper tonight, maybe with meatballs. I have no idea why. * * * * * Footnotes:
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