2011 MLB All Name Team

by Colin Edmund Grant
August 24, 2011
Copyright © 2011 Colin Edmund Grant

I went through the 40-man rosters of all 172 Major League Baseball teams. This is the All Name Team. Because I say so.

In alphabetical order:

David Aardsma, P, Seattle Mariners. According to BaseballRefernce.com, if you list all players in baseball history in alphabetical order by last name, Aardsma comes first. The name also has four consonants in a row. Pretty rare, eh?

Al Alburquerque, P, Detroit Tigers. Best friend of Cleve Cleveland? Born in New York, New York? Sadly, no.

Homer Bailey, P, Cincinnati Reds. A pitcher. Named Homer. See, this is the sort of thing that happens when you're born in Texas. They also name people "Landry." Note: his given name is David Dewitt Bailey. As people named Richard often become known as Dick, and people named Robert often become known as Bob, people named David Dewitt apparently become known as, um, Homer. At least in Texas.

Grant Balfour, P, Oakland Athletics. I politely request that everybody stop using "Grant" as a first name. It causes unnecessary confusion. Thank you.

Antonio Bastardo, P, Philadelphia Phillies. Seems like an unfortunate name to me.

Dellin Betances, P, New York Evil Empire Yankees. I hear the Betances family is rife with Dellins.

Yuniesky Betancourt, SS, Kansas City Royals. Or is he a partner in the law firm of Rogoff, Betancourt and Greco LLC?

Dylan Bundy, P, Baltimore Orioles. Mass murderer who writes songs about it.

Arquimedes Caminero, P, Florida Marlins. Good at math, maybe?

Shin-Soo Choo, OF, Cleveland Indians. I say we start calling him "Ahhhh" Choo. Really. Please join in.

Coco Crisp, CF, Athletics. Given name is Covelli Loyce Crisp. If my name were Covelli Loyce Grant, I, too, might opt for Coco.

Felix Doubront, P, Boston Red Sox. "Felix"?

    Felix the cat,
    The wonderful wonderful cat,
    Whenever he gets in a fix
    he reaches into his bag of tricks.
    Felix the cat,
    The wonderful wonderful cat,
    You'll laugh so hard your sides will ache,
    your heart will go pitter pat.
    That's Felix, he's a wonderful cat
    (Copyright © sometime, by someome.)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Kyle Farnsworth, P, Tampa Bay Rays. I say any time you have an opportunity to say the word "Farnsworth," you seize it.

Chone Figgins, IF, Seattle Mariners. His given name is Desmond DeChone Figgins. He is from Georgia. And he pronounces his name "Shawn" Figgins. I just don't know.

Yasmani Grandal, C, Cincinnati Reds. Said to be joining Carl Yastrzemski in some sort of infringement lawsuit against Bayer, the manufacturers of Yaz birth control pills.

Gorkys Gustavo (Lugo) Hernandez, OF, Pittsburgh Pirates. From Venezuela. See below.

Maicer Izturis, 2B, LA Angels. If you are born in Barquisimeto, Lara, Venezuela, be careful, because you might end up being named Maicer Izturis. It could happen.

Micah Kila Ka'aihue, IF, Kansas City Royals. Born in Hawaii. Republicans inexplicably claim he is from Kenya.

Brent Lillibridge, OF, Chicago White Sox. Beaten up a lot as a child.

Vladimir Guerrero, DH, Baltimore Orioles. What causes a person to be named Vladimir Guerrero? Does he have friends named Dmitri Gomez? Ivan Vega? I believe he does.

Aubrey Huff, OF, San Francisco Giants. As they sat around Marion, Ohio, awaiting the birth of their son, the Huffs struggled with finding just the right name. "KickMeInTheFace" Huff? "PullMyUnderpantsUpOverMyHead" Huff? "Aubrey" Huff? "Yes, that'll do it," they agreed, "and it's nice and short."

Nick Markakis (mar CAKE iss), RF, Baltimore Orioles. Whenever you see or hear of Nick Markakis, you must shout, "Markakis! Markakis! Markakis!"

Hunter Pence, OF, Philadelphia Phillies. There is just something about that name.

Stolmy Pimentel, P, Boston Red Sox. "Stolmy"? "Pimentel"?

Trevor Plouffe, IF/OF, Minnesota Twins. It could have been worse. His middle name is Patrick; he was almost Pat Plouffe.

Buster Posey, C, San Francisco Giants. Given name: Gerald Demp Posey. Would you rather be Gerry Posey or Buster Posey or Demp Posey? Tough call, but I think he made the right one.

Nick Punto, IF, St. Louis Cardinals. And the fans chanted, "Pun-to! Pun-to! Pun-to! Pun-to!" Which was weird, because Lance Berkman was up.

J.J. Putz, P, Arizona Diamondbacks. Boyhood friends included C.C. Schmuck, Z.Z. Schmekel, R.R. Shvantz, and E.E. Shlong.

Colby Rasmus, OF, Toronto Blue Jays. If your last name is Rasmus, your first name might as well be Colby.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C, Boston Red Sox. "Saltalamacchia" is the longest name in Major League history. And you say you never learn anything from me.

Atahualpa Severino, P, Washington Nationals. See, this is the sort of thing that happens when you have players from the Dominican Republic.

Denard Span, OF, Minnesota Twins. Full name is Keiunta Denard Span. That explains it.

Nick Swisher, OF, New York Yankers. A Gay porn star in the off-season? I say yes.

Clete Thomas, OF, Detroit Tigers. You don't run into a lot of people named "Clete" these days, do you? "Roy," too. And "Elmer."

Yorvit Torrealba, C, Texas Rangers. Yeah, yeah, it's cultural. But "Yorvit"? Are there lots of Venezuelans mothers yelling, "¡Yorvit! ¡Yorvit! ¡Venga aqui! ¡O apuñalare su perrito!" ("Yorvit! Yorvit! Come here! Or I will stab your puppy!") Also: Yorvit's middle name is Adolfo. I am so happy.

Dan Uggla, 2B, Atlanta Braves. Born in Louisville, Kentucky. I'll bet you did not know that there were Ugglas in Louisville, Kentucky. Well, there were.

Chase Utley, 2B, Philadelphia Phillies. I believe we'd all be much happier if Chase Utley and Dan Uggla were on the same team.

Kevin Edmund Youkilis, 1B/3B, Boston Red Sox. Despite his very tasteful and waspish middle name, the so-called Greek God of Walks is actually a Jew of Romanian extraction. MLB is just full of those Romanian Jews.

Special Section: Japanese Names

It would be tasteless, childish and culturally insensitive to mock all Japanese names just because they sound so very foreign to my waspish ears. So here goes:

Ichiro Suzuki; from the famous motorcycle family.

Kosuke Fukudome: rare name that may include sounds vaguely reminiscent of both "s*ck" and "f*ck".

Please note that I have carefully refrained from making any joke to the effect that all Japanese players share the nickname "The Yellow Peril." Such a joke would be rude and racist.

Missing Section: Koreans

Alas, the only Korean in MLB these days is the previous mentioned Ahhhh Choo. We used to have both a Sunny Kim and a Bunny Kim (Sun-Woo Kim and Byung-Hyun Kim). Those were the days.

Umpires:

Fieldin Culbreth

Bruce Dreckman

Hunter Wendelstedt

MLB Name Hall of Fame Nominee:

Elroy Face

Bonus:

There is a cornerback in the NFL named Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. There is another cornerback named Antonio Cromartie. What are the chances?